Normally I would write a blog telling everyone that we need to be bold and strong, and give you some useful information that I had currently researched about so you may keep it in your toolbox as a remedy, but not today; today is different. I’m not wearing the face of a brave Mom, claiming that what I’m going through with my son has made me wiser beyond my imaging, and that I’m okay with my son’s vaccine injury resulting in severe Autism. I cannot write that because that is a lie. Today, you will read about the other side of me. This is the side that is broken, tired, lost, and empty.
Yes, I have Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and by His amazing grace on this scared sinner, I am able to wake-up the next day so I can drink my coffee while trying to convince myself I’m going to make it.
You see, a long time ago I had a very simple spoiled life and all I really thought about was how I appeared to the people around me. For some strange reason, I had the impression that I needed to look as if I had my life all figured out. And according to the lovely T.V. commercials and Hollywood magazines, I should be doing this while maintaining my outside persona as beautiful and hip. I HAD, I repeat HAD, all the money to buy my make-up and clothes to make this fantasy a staged reality. I was even blessed with a gorgeous husband that loves me to the moon and back. During this period of my life, I was softer, kinder, and so much more forgiving until one day…
This is the one day I hate ... The day I took my beautiful healthy son into the doctor’s office for his 12 months vaccinations, at the age of 15 months. Concurring to the worldly perfect Mommy Rule Book is what all inducted Mom’s in this club do, so I carelessly followed the crowd. Little did I know, that day this indoctrinated-by-society Mom, and her husband, and her other 2 children’s lives would be changed forever. On this particular well-check visit, I would walk out of the office with a severely poisoned baby, and awaiting in the dark was the greatest nightmare that I would ever encounter to this day. Overnight my heart would be ripped out of my chest and my soul would be broken.
When this took place, the old me was trying to compete with all the perfect Mom’s that I had surrounded myself with. It wasn’t their fault by far, this is the normal image thrown-out into the world that most of us girls become engulfed by.
I did pretty well at competing with all the stylish Mom’s who had their children dressed in designer clothes, their hair and nails done, spoke eloquent, and took their children to a pediatrician. We often spoke of how advanced our children were as we socialized over coffee. I did everything on schedule, following the global manual of what T.V. presented as the ‘World’s Greatest Mom.’ I was selfish and brainwashed. I myself, even taught women that all these superficial, materialistic achievements actually meant something when now I know it’s meaningless and the worlds made up mirage of smoke-and-mirrors; a path leading to death not God. The devil wants us to focus on ourselves and analyze our peers, but God wants to grow our heart to look beyond the surface.
I’ve heard that people in other countries that are poor really understand what love and happiness is, and now I believe it. These people are not competing with material things, body image, and what’s the latest look so they can jump onto the bandwagon with ‘the cool crowd.’ They do not have these problems because it was not taught to them through the media flashing it everywhere. Since I bought into this lifestyle, I injured my son’s tiny developing body through a man-made medical procedure called vaccinations. This injury happened within seconds, and the damage it inflicted in my son's body has a timeframe of repairing that is unknown by all.
My son is now labeled as severely Autistic. He can no longer talk to me and call me by my real name, ‘Mom.’ Inside I cry a lot and on the outside I come across as uncaring and harsh. I ask you to please forgive me for this. As my son changed from healthy to sick with sensory issues, an autoimmune disorder, and brain, gut, and nerve damage, I changed too. The once very selfish person I used to be is gone, but also so is the soft tenderness and vulnerability that I used to wear on my sleeve. I’m so hurt and so trapped in this world called Autism, I make myself feel as if I have a disorder, too. My disorder configures of bitterness and loss of emotions. My heart has turned cold, and on certain days I have to stay home to download my mind from all my new responsibilities gained by this injury.
Living with this vaccine injury has made me afraid to make close friends, because there are days that I cannot give anything to anyone else; I’m empty. During moments throughout the day, I can see inside my son without Autism blocking our connection, and I hear the laughter in his voice that brings joyful tears to my eyes. He stares at me with an innocence look on his face, and the noises that come out of his mouth shows me he’s trying to talk to me. In my heart I know he is saying, “I love you, Mommy”, it’s just in a different form of language that doesn’t make sense to us. My heart breaks every time I see him cry and grab at things trying to tell us, “I’m still here, can’t you understand me?”
I’m not a perfect Mom, but that’s okay. I’m not perfect on the outside, but that’s okay, too. And I’m not always thinking wonderful thoughts about everyone around me which is not okay, and I’m still working on that. I do not have all the answers and that is why I cry out to Jesus with my hands held high, weeping, “Why God, Why? Why did this happen to him, he did not deserve this. I didn’t research and I’m the one in the wrong, not him.” Still today I have no answers, all I know is to keep trusting in the Lord’s Word and He will daily mend my heart, move my feet, open my mouth to warn others, and hold me when I fall.
I am a girl who is hurt deeply, but wears it tucked away inside. My goal is to turn this pain around and spare the next parent or parent-to-be, to please walk away from this evilness that I walked right into. Do not damage your child because you believe everyone around you is vaccinating, because THEY ARE NOT! Nobody spoke out to me on vaccinating, no one. I wasn’t advised to research and to have more confidence in myself and the creation of our body made by God; He has provided us with everything we need. There is no degree in parenting, but we were made with that parental intuition on how to properly care for our children.
As I sit here four and a half years later still praying, researching, reading, watching documentaries, and healing my son, my heart feels like it did the day my little baby started screaming and throwing himself onto the ground. The day he stopped taking naps and began to grow agitated and aggressive. My son is severely Autistic and I have no idea when this label will change … nobody does.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for holding me through the storm no matter how long it comes pounding down. You are the One who has put a smile back on my face, kept my husband strong and kind, allowed me to use my voice without it shaking, and turning the evil of what the devil is doing through men into Your glory. I know mankind is using sorcery and calling it medicine, pretending healthcare comes in needles and pills, and placing fear into the hearts of Your children so they will remain silent. I know I’m not the politest person for the position, but the calling You have placed upon my life is mine, and for that Jesus I will continue to fight this war to save Your children. In Jesus' name, amen!
Think about it. If we sit on the sidelines trying to live our life the easiest way possible, who are we helping? If I do not speak up and tell people that vaccines are injuring and killing our children, how will that child ever make their mark in this world for the glory of Jesus?
There’s a time to cry and there’s a time to try, and we have a mighty God who will always remain by our side.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.”
God bless you!